Sometimes

It was my dream to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom did it and I have so many happy memories of just running around the house playing all day, of her making us our favorite lunches, of being quiet during All My Children...I knew that's what I wanted for my children. 

I had a hard time picking and then sticking with a major in college, mostly because none of those careers were my dream. I got so lucky. I married a man that supported my dream. I had babies before I got too deep into a career. My husband has a job that pays enough to cover everything we need. I got what I wanted. 

I know in my heart that I'm so lucky, but some days this is hard. Sometimes I see my former classmates post pictures of themselves out in the world making a difference. I see mom friends that work taking resort vacations with their husbands, taking their babies to the beach. My husband sends pictures of skyscrapers in NYC while I change poopy diapers and rinse peanut butter off knives and I feel doubt creep in. I wonder what I could have done with my marketing degree. I wonder what Jared and I could be buying with a double salary. I wonder if we would have taken the boys to Disney World and the beach by now. 

But then Paxton wakes up from his nap and the first word off his lips is mommy. Porter nuzzles his fuzzy little head into my neck because I'm all he wants. A man at a restaurant approaches me and tells me that when I left the table, my 2-year-old watched me walk away and said "mommy" in the sweetest voice he had ever heard and I remember that these are the moments I wanted. This is what I picked and I'm so glad I did.