It's 3 a.m. and I'm in the middle of an amazing dream involving a Hawaiian resort and being best friends with Katherine Heigl when I hear the squirming and fussing of a newborn waking up hungry in his bassinet next to our bed. I groan a little out of exhaustion but roll over and scoop him up. As I sleepily feed him, I could think about the huge pile of laundry that needs to be washed, or the large number of diapers I will have to change in the next 24 hours, or even the fact that I haven't had a full night of sleep in 4 months. Instead, I bury my head in my baby's hair and take a huge breath filled with that newborn smell and I think of how lucky we are. We have two healthy little boys that have plenty of clothes and diapers. We don't always have extra, but we always have enough. My husband and I are still in love and committed to each other and our boys.
Having two little boys this young isn't always easy. There is almost always someone unhappy and they both want my full attention all the time. There are toys and clothes and dishes everywhere. Paxton knows that I can't discipline him while I'm holding Porter so he takes full advantage of that time to push buttons he isn't supposed to push and throw things he isn't supposed to throw. So even though things are hard right now, I'm not wishing this phase away. I know I will miss these days when my boys are little. I'll miss Porter's chubby hands latching onto my shirt as he falls asleep, I'll miss Paxton bringing me board books and learning all the words as we read them together, I'll miss Paxton saying "hold him" sixteen times a day and trying to scoop up his little brother to give him kisses. I probably won't remember the stress or the messes or even the time they both peed on the floor at the same time while I was trying to get them in the bath. But I will try to remember how it felt to have little Porter curled up in my arms asleep and Paxton cuddled up next to me while we read together. And I will definitely remember watching the brother bond form between them, as they both realize they will always have a best friend.
Those are the things that matter.